Ah... I love the rain.
It's the only time that I will put on some shorts and a sleeveless shirt just to go outside and enjoy the feel of the rain on my skin as I meditate in it. Oh, how I could really use it right about now.
Sometimes I think that water torture method, where they drip water onto a restrained victim's forehead, wouldn't do any good with me since I love that feeling of the water hitting against me consistently.
Anyway, now I think I will go take out the trash, find me a nice comfy place to sit down and meditate, come back in and take a hot shower, feel my muscles melt away like hot butter, and reflect on life.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Song Review - What You Never Know
This one is by
Sarah Brightman
and it's called
What You Never Know:
Here are the lyrics:
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know won't say goodbye.
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know won't make you cry.
What you never know.
What you never, never, never...
What you never know.
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know unless you try.
What you never know won't hurt you.
My Review:
I guess this one just really touched me and I really got attached to it, because as with anything we feel really attached to, we can relate on some level. Sometimes I think if I just push it all away, push away the people, the situations, the feelings, the interactions, all of it, that it won't get to me. I won't get too attached, and I won't get hurt when it all goes downhill. The highs are always good, but the downs are a killer. Sometimes I think it's easier just to let it be and just keep on living my life on a steady line, not daring to interact with people, not daring to veer off the road for a moment, for fear of getting hurt. Then there won't be hurt, I won't be lied to, I won't be deserted...
But the last line in the last verse says it all, doesn't it? What you never know unless you try. Maybe getting too attached won't hurt. Maybe, by some tiny thread in the universe, I'll finally have a link to something in this world that I'll never have to let go of, or have it taken from me. Maybe, if I try, I can at least for one time find that special everlasting bond, if there even is one. That one special somebody. That one special moment. That one special life-changing event that makes a person feel like their whole life really was worth something, after all.
I know, I know... I'm still young and foolish, and it's too soon to judge the quality of my life, but sometimes, I feel like it's over before it even began. I'm as happy as I could be, really. I have everything I've always wanted and more, much to my surprise. Maybe it's just all in my head, or some brain imbalance, or maybe I really am messed up in the head. It was always a joke when I acted crazy before, but you never know, right? Not if it's yourself who is affected.
I guess the point of this is... I'm happy this way. I'm glad there's not bad situations in my life. But I still don't have that one thing that keeps me from ever feeling down. In my heart, I have many spaces. Spaces for my friends, my family (they take up big chunks), my passions of the arts (many of those), but yet in the core, there's still a deep, dark pit. A cold core. Something is missing, and I just can't tell, and that bothers me. Usually I can pinpoint the problem, but there shouldn't be anything that makes me sad anymore.
What is this? I'm starting to see that the saying 'money can't buy you happiness' can be very true. I always said 'yeah right' to that, because I thought if I had everything I wanted, I couldn't be happier in my own little world of toys, gadgets, pretty, soft, shiny things, etc, etc, etc. But I'm still not happy. I guess I just need something to grab me by the shoulders, give me a hard shake, and show me what true happiness is. But there's not something that can do that, is there? Or we would all know true happiness. What is missing? Why do I feel so depressed all the time? I love my job! I love my family! I love my friends! Give me a break, already!!!
Well, crap... This turned into a rant-and-rave post, and I didn't mean it too. I just wanted to tell everyone a song they should buy or download at least. I guess that's my meditation reflection for the day? It's just all pouring out now. lol
~ Candice ~
Here are the lyrics:
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know won't say goodbye.
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know won't make you cry.
What you never know.
What you never, never, never...
What you never know.
What you never know won't hurt you.
What you never know won't lie.
What you never know won't desert you.
What you never know unless you try.
What you never know won't hurt you.
My Review:
I guess this one just really touched me and I really got attached to it, because as with anything we feel really attached to, we can relate on some level. Sometimes I think if I just push it all away, push away the people, the situations, the feelings, the interactions, all of it, that it won't get to me. I won't get too attached, and I won't get hurt when it all goes downhill. The highs are always good, but the downs are a killer. Sometimes I think it's easier just to let it be and just keep on living my life on a steady line, not daring to interact with people, not daring to veer off the road for a moment, for fear of getting hurt. Then there won't be hurt, I won't be lied to, I won't be deserted...
But the last line in the last verse says it all, doesn't it? What you never know unless you try. Maybe getting too attached won't hurt. Maybe, by some tiny thread in the universe, I'll finally have a link to something in this world that I'll never have to let go of, or have it taken from me. Maybe, if I try, I can at least for one time find that special everlasting bond, if there even is one. That one special somebody. That one special moment. That one special life-changing event that makes a person feel like their whole life really was worth something, after all.
I know, I know... I'm still young and foolish, and it's too soon to judge the quality of my life, but sometimes, I feel like it's over before it even began. I'm as happy as I could be, really. I have everything I've always wanted and more, much to my surprise. Maybe it's just all in my head, or some brain imbalance, or maybe I really am messed up in the head. It was always a joke when I acted crazy before, but you never know, right? Not if it's yourself who is affected.
I guess the point of this is... I'm happy this way. I'm glad there's not bad situations in my life. But I still don't have that one thing that keeps me from ever feeling down. In my heart, I have many spaces. Spaces for my friends, my family (they take up big chunks), my passions of the arts (many of those), but yet in the core, there's still a deep, dark pit. A cold core. Something is missing, and I just can't tell, and that bothers me. Usually I can pinpoint the problem, but there shouldn't be anything that makes me sad anymore.
What is this? I'm starting to see that the saying 'money can't buy you happiness' can be very true. I always said 'yeah right' to that, because I thought if I had everything I wanted, I couldn't be happier in my own little world of toys, gadgets, pretty, soft, shiny things, etc, etc, etc. But I'm still not happy. I guess I just need something to grab me by the shoulders, give me a hard shake, and show me what true happiness is. But there's not something that can do that, is there? Or we would all know true happiness. What is missing? Why do I feel so depressed all the time? I love my job! I love my family! I love my friends! Give me a break, already!!!
Well, crap... This turned into a rant-and-rave post, and I didn't mean it too. I just wanted to tell everyone a song they should buy or download at least. I guess that's my meditation reflection for the day? It's just all pouring out now. lol
~ Candice ~
Sunday, June 8, 2003
Feeling NAF
Don't think I'll be watching the Tony's tonight... I really wanted to catch it, but I checked out the nominees and I don't even really know much of the people or the shows on it except for Gypsy, Antonio Banderas, and Bernadette Peters. Plus I'm feeling pretty nasty as f tonight, so I don't feel like doing more than I need to.
I didn't get my facial thingy done last night, but I'm doing that at the moment, and letting my hair dye set in. As usual, it's red. I love red hair. I didn't even play my sims last night. Instead, I fell asleep downstairs. The night before, I fell asleep against the wall. That's usually my sleeping spot, the wall. I'm always at the computer when I'm home, so it's my fall-asleep spot.
Anyhow, the time is about up. I have to go wash this stuff out of my hair, so I'll close up the entry. I'm not going to sleep before I go to work tonight, and I'll probably have to go in early. I'm just screwing myself over by this, but... meh... We'll see how it goes. I just feel like crap lately. Hope you all are doing well though.
I didn't get my facial thingy done last night, but I'm doing that at the moment, and letting my hair dye set in. As usual, it's red. I love red hair. I didn't even play my sims last night. Instead, I fell asleep downstairs. The night before, I fell asleep against the wall. That's usually my sleeping spot, the wall. I'm always at the computer when I'm home, so it's my fall-asleep spot.
Anyhow, the time is about up. I have to go wash this stuff out of my hair, so I'll close up the entry. I'm not going to sleep before I go to work tonight, and I'll probably have to go in early. I'm just screwing myself over by this, but... meh... We'll see how it goes. I just feel like crap lately. Hope you all are doing well though.
Thursday, June 5, 2003
Happy Birthday Spankings!
*sings*
Happy Birthday to meeeeee,
Happy Birthday to meeeeee,
Happy Birthday to me-eeeee,
Happy Birthday to meeeeee!
Now... If only I can find someone to spank me. *sly grin*
current mood:
silly
Happy Birthday to meeeeee,
Happy Birthday to meeeeee,
Happy Birthday to me-eeeee,
Happy Birthday to meeeeee!
Now... If only I can find someone to spank me. *sly grin*
current mood:
silly
Wednesday, June 4, 2003
Work Friends Aren't Exactly Friend Friends
You win some, you lose some, right? Who needs close friends, anyway? *looks around dejectedly*
...Right???...
I'm just saying because I might have lost my new best friend today. She was the new second shift girl at our work for about a month, and she and the boss lady just did NOT get along with each other.
Well, I went to work last night, and Jessica (the 2nd shift/friend girl) said that she and the boss lady got into a fight yesterday, and she made her cry. Well, the boss lady is a good friend of mine. I don't kiss ass, really. I just think she's pretty cool and we get along great.
Well, this morning, I said "And I want to give you a hug. I heard about what happened last night."
To which she seemed confused and asked "What? What happened?"
So I explained, "Jessica said she made you cry."
Boss Lady: Oh, really?! *fumes*
Me: Uh... Yeah... *thinks to self - Uh-oh! Oh, damn!*
So then I told her about the jobs that Jessica is supposed to do for me for set-up and prep, since I have to do them for first shift, and they do them for her shift, and everything came out all at once. I'm so VERY tired of having to work two shifts in one just to cover for her. Yes, I think she's a great friend, but I can't be over-working myself, or I might get sick all over again, and I don't want any more scars. (That's what the shingles blisters left behind. *sniffle*)
So... I don't know what happened in between now and then, but either she got fired, or she quit, because they want me to come in early and work tonight, but I've had no sleep yet. So if Jessica gets mad at me, then I expect it. It will show that she's immature enough not to understand that there IS a difference between social relationships and working relationships. If she's a true friend, she'll still be my friend socially, just as before, when we went to go get our eyebrows waxed together. If not, though? Oh well. There's nothing I can do to change it, and I'm not expecting anything out of it except for her to be angry at me. I just had to save my own ass. I can NOT afford to lose this job.
Well, I went to work last night, and Jessica (the 2nd shift/friend girl) said that she and the boss lady got into a fight yesterday, and she made her cry. Well, the boss lady is a good friend of mine. I don't kiss ass, really. I just think she's pretty cool and we get along great.
Well, this morning, I said "And I want to give you a hug. I heard about what happened last night."
To which she seemed confused and asked "What? What happened?"
So I explained, "Jessica said she made you cry."
Boss Lady: Oh, really?! *fumes*
Me: Uh... Yeah... *thinks to self - Uh-oh! Oh, damn!*
So then I told her about the jobs that Jessica is supposed to do for me for set-up and prep, since I have to do them for first shift, and they do them for her shift, and everything came out all at once. I'm so VERY tired of having to work two shifts in one just to cover for her. Yes, I think she's a great friend, but I can't be over-working myself, or I might get sick all over again, and I don't want any more scars. (That's what the shingles blisters left behind. *sniffle*)
So... I don't know what happened in between now and then, but either she got fired, or she quit, because they want me to come in early and work tonight, but I've had no sleep yet. So if Jessica gets mad at me, then I expect it. It will show that she's immature enough not to understand that there IS a difference between social relationships and working relationships. If she's a true friend, she'll still be my friend socially, just as before, when we went to go get our eyebrows waxed together. If not, though? Oh well. There's nothing I can do to change it, and I'm not expecting anything out of it except for her to be angry at me. I just had to save my own ass. I can NOT afford to lose this job.
Differences From a Year Ago
Wow... So much has changed in a year! I looked up my journal entry from last year, about this time, June 3rd, 4th, and 5th...
Let's see... *rummages*
June 3rd 2002: I found out that Twiggy Ramirez (AKA Jeordie White) of Marilyn Manson was leaving the band. He was my most favorite member.
June 3rd 2003: Marilyn Manson still sounds good without Twiggy. I'll be seeing them for the first time in person in July when I go to Ozzfest. Though good, they may be... Twiggy is still very missed.
June 4th 2002: I'm soooooo ooooold.
June 4th 2003: I repeat: I'm soooooo ooooold! (only OLDER!!! *Aye!*)
June 5th 2002: I had said "I'm scared to death. Mom is violently ill, and there is nothing the doctors say they can do..." During this time, mom's surgery had went horribly wrong, and she suffered from many dangerous infections at this time. She had been shaking and shivering for a few days, with a high fever that wouldn't come down, and vomiting. I was so scared that day, and spent that night of my birthday with her in the hospital.
June 5th 2003: Things are much better, now. Mom still has a few problems from that damned hospital. We should have sued. Other than that, life have been pretty good. I've got me a laptop, mom has the mega-big-screen TV, and just about everything I've ever wanted, I have, besides the BIG goals, which I doubt I'll have, anyway. (Those are - To meet Bret McKenzie, to meet the Black Seeds, to get their autograph, and to be famous, especially on Broadway.)
So here is my final thought. I may be turning 21 tomorrow, and though I hate the idea of aging, getting older, and eventually dying, at least it marks another year that I've survived in this world. *hugs and kisses to you all*
current mood:
accomplished
June 3rd 2002: I found out that Twiggy Ramirez (AKA Jeordie White) of Marilyn Manson was leaving the band. He was my most favorite member.
June 3rd 2003: Marilyn Manson still sounds good without Twiggy. I'll be seeing them for the first time in person in July when I go to Ozzfest. Though good, they may be... Twiggy is still very missed.
June 4th 2002: I'm soooooo ooooold.
June 4th 2003: I repeat: I'm soooooo ooooold! (only OLDER!!! *Aye!*)
June 5th 2002: I had said "I'm scared to death. Mom is violently ill, and there is nothing the doctors say they can do..." During this time, mom's surgery had went horribly wrong, and she suffered from many dangerous infections at this time. She had been shaking and shivering for a few days, with a high fever that wouldn't come down, and vomiting. I was so scared that day, and spent that night of my birthday with her in the hospital.
June 5th 2003: Things are much better, now. Mom still has a few problems from that damned hospital. We should have sued. Other than that, life have been pretty good. I've got me a laptop, mom has the mega-big-screen TV, and just about everything I've ever wanted, I have, besides the BIG goals, which I doubt I'll have, anyway. (Those are - To meet Bret McKenzie, to meet the Black Seeds, to get their autograph, and to be famous, especially on Broadway.)
So here is my final thought. I may be turning 21 tomorrow, and though I hate the idea of aging, getting older, and eventually dying, at least it marks another year that I've survived in this world. *hugs and kisses to you all*
current mood:
accomplished
Monday, June 2, 2003
New Elrond and Arwen Sneak Peek!
It appears Lord of the Rings: Return of the King has released some new promo shots! So for all of my Pervy Elf Fanciers, and all my LOTR buddies, and those who haven't hunted down the new pics yet, here's a big spankin' photo of Elrond and Arwen! Could this describe the beauty and grace of the Elven-kind any better? *le sigh* So preciousss...
*drools over Hugo Weaving* lol X-D
*drools over Hugo Weaving* lol X-D
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