New Vlog Series?

I've been thinking long and hard about doing this... I know I haven't really updated my YouTube channel in a while, and I'm not off to a great start this year, but I really want to start a new series about my new weightloss surgery journey. I knew I definitely wanted to do videos on this because... well, to simply put it, I need to. I've been trying to find videos to watch of other people's journeys, and I gotta tell you - the pickings are slim. There's not really much out there on YouTube to watch of other people who aren't doctors or businesses promoting themselves for this issue. I feel like there needs to be more perspectives out there for people like me who want to find out more, see what's different, and how we struggle differently.

So now that I knew that I definitely wanted to document my journey, the next decision was for me to decide if I wanted to put it on my regular channel, or to make a whole new channel. The only reason why I would consider putting it on a new channel is because part of me is ashamed. I'm embarrassed that I allowed myself to get this way, and I've kept it hidden from friends online and just never talked about it. I felt like - it's my body, it's my business, and if people don't ask, I don't need to bring it up, you know? No one ever asked me if I was overweight. They may have talked about other people's sizes around me, but no one ever asked me specifically. I just have to accept the embarrassment, though. That will be part of the process to letting things go and becoming a better person, outside as well as in.

So with that being said, I have decided to put them up on my own channel. I've already come up with some things that I want to discuss, as well as keep my other videos going, like vlogs, games, and hopefully a lot more down the road! The more confident and smaller I will get to be seen on camera, the more I will be able to finally be the me I've always kept hidden, and I will be able to get a lot more involved in front of the camera instead of just behind it. And that's part of my motivation to get through this process! Then I can finally make the channel into what I've always wanted it to be. I'm so excited, and I hope I can at least inspire some people with it!

She Wants to Make Me Bleed

Today I saw the gynecologist after about 13 years, I think? I know that's a whole lot of time to go without seeing one, but I never had the means to until now. They always asked for money up front, which we've never had any to spare. Now that we have insurance, I'm finally able to take care of my issues.

One of those issues had been my irregular periods. Sometimes I would go months, even a year without bleeding. Sometimes I would bleed for 6 months straight. Ever since I had my daughter and put on weight, my periods had not been the same. The last time I saw the OBGYN, he told me it was because I was making too much testosterone, but wouldn't do much else without me paying more money.

This time, my doctor took more concern and told me if a woman goes longer than 4 months without a period, she has a greater chance to develop cancer. I did not know this. If I would have known, you can bet I'd have come in a lot sooner! Why had I never heard of this before? She said she thinks I have PCOS, which is polycystic ovary syndrome. I'm not sure about this, as I think it's more like POI, which is an early menopause because I remember hearing that one of my Grandmothers had it. Anyway, she has now prescribed me a medicine that will encourage me to bleed. She said to take 1 every day for 10 days, and if I don't have a period in the next 4 months, to take them again, so we will see how it goes. It's called medroxyprogesterone.

I had also asked her about other issues, such as the foley bulb during my delivery that caused me to bleed. I wanted to know if I had scar tissue because it felt like it had really cut me up and the student training had said "Look at all the blood!" which had led me to believe I had been damaged. She said everything looked good though. Nothing appeared to be wrong.

I asked her about what the gyno before told me, with having too much testosterone. She said with PCOS and my weight gain, that will have happened, and that would have kept me from being able to get pregnant, which is something else I had been worried about. After my daughter, we tried but could never have any more babies.

I asked her if she wanted me to take this more often because I wouldn't mind. She said it wasn't necessary unless I wanted to get pregnant, which I told her that maybe down the line I would like to have one more before something else happens to Adam. Maybe after his kidney transplant and my bariatric surgery. Then she told me had a gastric bypass a little over a year ago, and that she lost 150 pounds from it, so she thinks it will really do some good, because if I were to get pregnant right now, my weight could be harmful for the baby, which I know.

So we will see how this year goes. Hopefully both of us have our big surgeries and have time to heal, and then maybe we could complete the circle? We have Tricity, and my nieces and nephew, but then maybe have just one more of our own? He said he didn't want to be like his brother and have a baby in his 40's, but I still want another before it's too late, you know? My clock hasn't stopped yet!

Basically, she just wants to make sure I bleed every 4 months so that I don't have a high risk of developing cancer. She said there's a chance I may bleed too much, and in that case I will have to go back because my lining may be too thick? I hope it all works out. We will have to see how it goes...

This Life Is a Simulation! (Dream)

Last night I dreamed that we pulled up to the dollar store (Dollar General) and got out to go shopping. It was just me and Adam, and we saw a truck pulled up next to the side of the store. The area around us was like the landscape of Arizona. There was sand, rocks, brushes, and very little green, but there were more big rocky mounds. It was evening so the sun was supposed to be going down, but bright white flashes lit up the sky. My eyes would have been annoyed by it, but they had already adjusted. People were sitting on the tailgate and in the back of the truck, and others were standing. They were all looking off in the distance at something, but I wanted to get into the store.

While shopping, I remember going down the isles looking at different things. There was one thing that stood out though. It looked like a stuffed animal. It had a long body and was red, but the more I looked at it, it came to life! It started to move around, and as it turns out, it was some kind of mix between a red panda and a koala. I wanted to find some eucalyptus to feed to it. I couldn't find any though, and Adam just kept rushing me to check out. As we were at the register, they said the creature came up to $6. He gave me that look like usual, as if to say 'damn woman, always spending my money'.

As we left the store to go back to the van, he said playfully, "Do you really think you're worth six dollars?" I laughed it off, but then remembered that I wanted to see what the people were looking at. I walked past the truck, and the sky was still flashing wildly. Now I saw why. There, out in the sky, the sun was glitching. It kept pulling apart and coming together like some mechanical device that had sprung it's springs. Every time it would come back together, it would flash bright, and then pop back out like it had overheated and broke. All of this was happening so fast though, so it was like a strobe like flashing intermittently.

We got in the van, and for some reason, there were a couple of strangers in the back who joined us, some girl and guy that were a little younger. We started to drive to it. I remember thinking - huh! This world really is just a simulation, just like they say it is. I hadn't bought into that conspiracy theory, but it wasn't a big surprise when I saw it was true. As we drove, the X Y Z axis was off because of the glitchy programming, so we started to drive in the direction of the sun. To my surprise, it didn't take long to get there, and as we got closer, I saw it was actually just a sphere in the sky with a hologram that was projected onto it. The girl reached out and touched it. When she stuck her hand back in, the guy was like "Did you touch it?" She said yeah, and said it felt really soft, like fabric.

That's pretty much it to it. I think it look longer to write this out than the timeline of the dream took meaning the dream happened faster than I could have wrote it all down. Still pretty interesting to see so vividly in my head though.

The Most Dramatic Change

I've been struggling with my weight for a while now, and even though I've finally seen a doctor and have tried to lose weight following a diabetic diet, I still keep gaining. Maybe it's because of my bad back keeping me from being as active as I used to be? Maybe it's because I'm still facing the loss of my best friend (who was more of a soul mate to me than just a friend)? Maybe it's because I haven't been able to work the past couple of years? But in this past year alone, I'm ashamed to admit, I had gained 100 pounds.

It's hard to try and get that off because I can't stand for longer than 10 minutes without my back feeling like it's going to break. I can't do conventional aerobics because of this, but I've tried aqua aerobics. It did wonders for my back pain, but I wasn't getting any results from it. Most recently, I found out that I now have fatty liver disease. All of my health problems - the diabetes, the apnea, the fatty liver, problems getting pregnant - all of them are related to my weight.

Thankfully, my doctor recommended that I see a bariatric surgeon for this. I grew up hearing about weight loss surgeries. I'll be honest - the thought of them terrified me. I don't want to permanently alter my body because of this! My Mom had a gastric bypass before I was born and that didn't seem to help, especially since they wired her up wrong! I was actually pretty scared of the thought of it. But I went ahead and went to the appointment today anyway, and now I'm happy to say that I'm not as scared as I once was. I'm actually pretty excited! And a hell of a lot nervous. Not only because it's a scary surgery, but because I don't know how I'm going to do with it, or how well it will or won't work... It's a big life changer!

First, he talked over the options with me. He broke them down into three main operations, and from the least effective to the most effective. I had no idea how these worked, so he took his time explaining, and he even drew me a picture! lol First is the sleeve. That's where they cut your stomach in half so you get fuller faster and can't eat as much. It's the least effective at showing weight loss within the first year. Then there's a gastric bypass. This makes the stomach even smaller, and takes off some of your intestine, bringing it up to that stomach pouch to keep you from absorbing as many nutrients from the food. Then there's the duodenal switch. That's the one I'm opting for.

The duodenal switch is something I've never heard of. I asked him if there's an actual kind of switch that is used, but he said no lol I asked if it was like a lap band, but he said no to that as well. He said he actually stopped doing those a couple of years ago because there wasn't really much going on with them. He said a duodenal switch is kind of a mix between the two, and it shows the best results. The reason why we both think this would be the best option for me is because he said it shows a dramatic difference for people with diabetes, and he said some organ (I can't remember which) starts doing wonders for the body after this surgery. Less weight? Less apnea. Fatty liver starts to fix itself. Blood sugar regulates. This one cuts the stomach in half, like the sleeve, and cuts the intestines even more so that you're absorbing less nutrients. How do you keep from becoming malnutritioned? That's an issue taken care of with multivitamins, which I take every day anyway.

There's a few things I'll have to do first, but he said once my insurance clears around the 11th of this month, I can start the process! I will have to do things like talk to a dietitian, get an ultrasound on my gallbladder, get a scope of my stomach to make sure there aren't any surprises. There's going to be much to do, but I hope it will all be worth it. For one, I'm excited about the idea, and I can't "weight"! haha :-p

Here's a diagram I found, if it helps to understand it any better?

Search and Rescue!

We had to take the kids to my Mom's house to stay the night last night because we had to leave early today and weren't going to be home most of the day. Well when we left, the door didn't get shut all the way. Khloe had been the last one out because I made her go back in and get a coat, as it is winter time and even though she said she didn't need one, I wasn't going to let her run around without a coat on. I had her grab my Mom's hoodie that she had given me a few years back, as I knew it would make her feel special wearing something that was Grandma's. Anyway, in all the hustle and bustle, the door got left open. Accidents happen... and as a curious cat will do, one of them got out.

Of all cats, it had to be our only boy Junko (pronounced june-co, named after a Danganronpa character), otherwise known as stinky, big little boy, little man, bud, Garfailed (yes, we said it as gar-failed), or Devin's cat. We didn't know this until we got home and I was able to find all the other cats except for him. I looked around outside, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen at first glance. I went inside and played videos of other cat's meowing, which often was the best way to round up the cats because they would always come running to investigate. There was Snootz... Kuma... Zoozy... but no Junko! So now I was getting really worried...

I went outside and played the sound for a while. Keep in mind, it's freezing cold out and there was still a dappling of snow on the ground here and there. I was in my nightgown, fur coat, and flipflops. I still did not see him. I went back inside and thought of the food. This boy loves to eat (hence the Garfield reference), so I took the food bowl and picked some up and dropped it back in like I was filling it up. The other cats came running and just stared up at me with a wistful look in their eyes. Still no Junko though... Much to their disappointment, I ended up taking the food bowl away. I went outside and did the same thing, giving the bowl a few shakes. I figured if he heard it, he might come running? But no... Still no orange floof to be seen.

I turned on my flashlight thinking that maybe if he were hiding, I'd be able to spot him by the glare in his eyes. I tried playing a different cat sound. I thought - what if he didn't like the other one I played? And that's when I finally saw movement. He was in the garage! But after a short staring contest (mostly due to my surprise) I said "Junko! Come here baby boy!" and of course his response was to dart off. I saw him go to the back of the house, so I let out an exasperated sigh and made my way back there. I figured he went in the utility room because I could not find him after that. I had Adam come out and help me look, but there were too many bikes and things in the way. I had to give up at this point. It was night, it was cold, and I can't climb over stuff like I used to. At least I knew for sure that he was outside and that he hadn't run off. I was worried about him being in the cold, but my biggest worry was that someone would take him in before we could get to him. I left some food on the front steps in case he came back to the door, and I went inside.

After we got back in town today and picked up the kids, they all went out on a search and rescue mission to find him. Thankfully, being the awesome kids they are, they worked together to get him out of the basement, where he had taken up residence again after I had unintentionally chased him out the first time. The had grabbed a can of wet dog food to coax him out. He was meowling and sounded so pitiful, but other than being stressed out, he was okay!

I guess he's scared at the idea of going back out there though, because while Khloe was holding him, Tricity came in the door and he was scrambling to try and get out of her arms and get away like he had been spooked. He probably learned his lesson! lol He got warm, got fed, and will need a bath, but we sure are happy that everything turned out good! Here's Devin with his baby boy:

NAFLD - My Liver Is a Fatty :-p

So I had an ultrasound done yesterday on my liver to see if I had hepatitis C. I don't know how I would have, as I've not been exposed to anyone with it. My liver enzymes were high though, so they wanted to find out what was going on. I don't drink, so chances are - if I had anything, it would be non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). I got the call back today, and they said that's what I've got.

Now I'm supposed to follow a Mediterranean diet. I was trying to follow the diabetic diet, with less carbs and sugar, but it seems I'm going to have to cut out even more if I want to keep a healthy liver. Why, oh why did I spend 2018 drinking every weekend? I'm sure that didn't help...

It's okay though. I already love all kinds of vegetables and things like chicken and fish. I just need to cut out things like processed foods (like chicken nuggets, spray cheese in a can, stuff like that). I just didn't realize my liver was so high up. What if all this time it wasn't my stomach that has been hurting, but what if it were my liver? I don't know, but at least it's reversible if I lose weight and exercise more. I'm hoping when income tax time comes, I can get a tricycle so I can bike with the kids. My back hurts too bad to do anything else, but if I'm sitting, maybe that will be okay?