At the time of making this blog (don't forget to check the date because sometimes my stuff won't get posted until months later, and some people think I just posted it, but the date will say October 8th because that's when I wrote it, and it's November 20th at the time I'm finally getting around to making it public!), I am proud to say that I'm down 75 pounds since June 24th!
It feels unreal sometimes
I know I never would have gotten this far on willpower alone.
I had a breakdown today though. Most of the time, I feel great about everything. I'm happy in the decision I made to get this surgery, I'm usually in a chipper mood, and there's not much that can bother me these days since my confidence boosted... but I think I figured out why sometimes I feel sad about eating.
Tonight we had homemade tacos for dinner, and I used to eat 4. Now I can only eat 1. Tonight I forgot my limit and mentally I said - yeah! Delicious tacos, I'm gonna make 2! I'm so hungry! It's gonna taste delicious! But I ate 1, and there sat 2, and it no longer looked appealing to me. I was so full that if I had eaten the other, I think I would have popped! So me being me, hating to waste food, I started getting upset with myself.
When asked what's wrong, I explained why I was getting teary-eyed. And that's when it hit me... I'm sad because I really wanted it, and now that I have it, it's not being useful to me. It's like when you were a kid and you wanted a toy that you saw a really awesome commercial for, and you assumed it could do all kinds of stuff, so you get it for Christmas and it turns out to be a huge let-down because it don't do half the stuff they made you think it could do. I felt let down because I wanted it, and now I was wasting it. I was used to getting whatever I wanted with food, and now my stomach was telling me no, and you know how it is with things you want but can't have... I can't stand it, so that's why I got upset.
I'm glad I have an understanding of how the mind works and that I'm able to work these things out for myself. I know to some people it may seem stupid to be upset that food is letting me down, but that was always my main reason for eating, was because food tastes good, and I love eating a lot of something I like. Now I can't, and I have to accept that only a little is plenty.
I had my surgery on June 24 (I had the loop duodenal switch). I can tell actually tell now the little signs that I'm losing, like my clothes getting loser, I went to the next hole in my watch band, I can fit in chairs better that I used to struggle with... but still don't see a difference other than in my face and just a bit of my skin getting looser. The numbers don't lie though! 
