You Can't Turn Toast Into Bread

You can't turn toast into bread... meaning that after things change, you can't go back and undo them.

Where have I gone to? I once knew where I was. I once knew where I was going. I once knew where I came from, and I once knew that no matter where I turned, someone would know me, even if I didn't know them. But where have I gone to? No one seems to ask anymore... I guess this just goes to prove that no matter what memories you try to leave with someone, eventually, their memories of you die and pass on into... nothing? So therefore... I've gone nowhere?

Precisely. I think I'm stuck. Not just stuck where I am in the physical world, but stuck in time. If anyone should think of me, they will always remember me as I was. They couldn't imagine where I might be, especially if I've gone nowhere at all. And as sad as that seems, I believe I may feel the same way about them as well?

I know my best friends are growing up and living with their boyfriends, and taking care of themselves in their own homes, off to college and actually living their lives for themselves, but I think that I'll always remember them as they were. In some ways, it's very good. It makes for a lot of precious memories. But in a lot of ways.. it hurts. I see them changing into something better, and here I am, forgotten, stuck, and going nowhere fast.

Am I jealous? Most likely... I guess I just hate that fact that in my mind, I know that things can never be the same. So many changes happen and as for those great memories? We can never go back to them. In our minds, yes, but nothing will ever be the same. And it's not just with my friends. It's with everything. Every once in a while, I get these old sensations of things I felt before. Feelings that bring up memories that had been lying dormant for a while. Feelings that made me feel like life was actually worth living. And being me, of course I'm going to dwell on it, and I feel so empty inside.

I feel a great ache because I know it's gone and it won't come back. Not for anybody, and especially not for me. My friend Amber calls me a romanticist, and she says I feel too much emotion. As much as I would like to take that as something good, I often find myself cursing myself for it. If I didn't feel too much, I wouldn't hurt so much. Will there ever be a place in life for a person like me, or will I only be free of sorrow when my body withers away and the fire of my soul finally dwindles and dies?

current mood:  gloomy

And I Shall Call Him "My Precious"

hehehe  I read some friends's entries today and stumbled across this:
"I managed to claim Faelon before her. We're in each other's LJ friend lists now, so Candice if you're reading this.. you still can't have him :-P"

My reply? hahaha! That was funny :-D But yes, I understand. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's because eventually, when the world has changed, and you can feel it in the water, feel it in the earth, and smell it in the air, the tides will turn and I will be given the chance to claim Figwit. muah-hah-hah-haa!

In other news, March 21 was Ostara, and I missed yet another holiday. I really am slipping when it comes to the holidays that I want to celebrate the most. I was really hoping to try and celebrate all of the Pagan holidays this year. Drat... Already failing...

I had a headache most of the day, but I'm much better now. Nothing that some sleep couldn't cure. I also got to FINALLY chat with Ax today. (See my previous post for some info about him) He's really polite and FUNNY! AND he told us (in the chat) about a cool Celtic-sounding group he listens to called Old Blind Dogs. (OBD) I downloaded a few of their songs. Sounds like what I like to listen to :-D

But now I need to get ready for work... Joy... *deadpan face* Let's hope my headache doesn't come back :-p

That's How You Get Fans

Cool. Very cool. Alex "Ax" McClennan is on an Elf fansite that I'm on. It's dedicated to all the unofficial Elves in LOTR. You can find his official fanpage here at The Argonath:
http://www.theargonath.cc/amanthon/

He's a pretty groovy guy, and quite polite, at that. I think it's VERY awesome when people who have fansites dedicated to them actually take the time to have a conversation or two (or few) with the fans. *big teethy grin* THAT is how you get a fanbase. Not by acting like you're too good to interact with the fans, but by taking the time to interact and give them a little bit to feed their interest. If you're too hard to get a hold of, people either lose interest or they get bitter and turn against you, but if you give a little bit here and there, you keep the ball rolling. And it's just the polite thing to do :-p lol

If you don't know which elf he is in the Lord of the Rings movies, here's a few pics to help you get an idea. They're pretty small and not good of quality, but it's just to show you which Elf he is. This is Amanthon, Elf of the Left Tree Root.

I really wish I could have been an extra. That would be SO AWESOME to be a part of the LOTR movies... I bet I would have been made into a Hobbit, though... Short and squat... Homely... *envies the Elves* But hey, Rosie Cotton was pretty hot, right??? lol  Anyway, thank you Ax, for taking the time to make the fangirls happy! ♥

I Usually Don't Like Talking About Politics, But...

Good! After reading the journal entries of my friends, I'm glad, thankful, and relieved to see that I'm not the only one who is pro-peace one here. When it comes to politics, you never know what people are going to want or what ideals they are going to side with.

Since I have been talking to a lot of friends "across the pond", I came to a decision on what I think of all this George Bush Jr. stuff going on, and that is: I, myself, live in the States, and I can't stand Bush or what he's doing. His actions is just dragging anti-war people like myself into something we strive to avoid. (Believe me, if I had the funds, I would already be moved out into a better country. New Zealand would be nice *big teethy grin*) His immaturity and power-hungry struggle is only going to get us all killed if HE isn't the one who is stopped... Sadly, there's not much that can be done. Morons elected him, morons support him, and he's the moron of all morons.

Strange... I live in America, yet I'm an Anti-American... Guess I should shut up while I'm ahead, though. I've probably offended some of my journal friends who HAVE voted for him, but they should know I mean no offence. For them, I make exceptions. They know I'm just frustrated about all of this, and I know they have their viewpoints and I have mine. We know we can all agree to disagree.

Just one more thing to say before I wrap this up: Give me symphony, or give me deaf!

New Zealand Radio Station

I've been listening to Kiwi music like MAD lately. Mainly the station Radioactive 89FM in Wellington, New Zealand. (It can be found here - http://www.radioactive.fm/ ) It's all because of my boys, The Black Seeds. I can't really get their music online, so I listen into this radio station hoping to hear them play a song or two.

I think this band is so AWESOME. I've even made a fanpage dedicated to them and their music. Man, I would love to just pick up everything and move to New Zealand right now. (You can find my page for them here - http://www.geocities.com/the_black_seeds/index.html ) I'm so excited though, because I wrote them the other day, and Rich Christie wrote back and said that if I made a fanpage, to give him the link (when I'm done with it) and they would drop me a line. Go, me! hehehe....

I Have the Autograph of Hades!

Whoo-hoo! I got the autograph of Hades! Wot? The god of the underworld, you say? Well not exactly...

Have you ever watched those old Xena episodes? The show about the warrior princess who fights the bad guys and the gods and goddesses of Greek/Roman culture? Well, a guy named Erik Thomson had played one of the two Hades characters on there. I got the signature card off of ebay, of course, but it's his, and now it's mine. Here's basically what it looks like (this is not mine, but it's pretty much the same):

My next autograph I plan on trying to get is Craig Parker's. (Haldir on LOTR) Me and my pathetic obsessions... *giggle* They make me so happy though! OH! Got my new Dell today. Yippie! I'm out for now. Gotta upload stuff to the computer and get it all set up.

And I Shall Call Him... Faelon

AHHHHH! Yay! YAY!!! I FINALLY did it! I finally got to name an Elf!!! *dies*

Alright. Here is what happened.
We found out Bret McKenzie (whom we all adore as Figiwt) has a brother that played a small part in Lord of the Rings as well. And recently that brother has been identified. His name is Justin McKenzie, and he sits on the right-hand side of Elrond in LOTR.

They (the fans) were saying how they would always either call Justin's elf by the names of "Elrohir" and "No Name". Well, someone who went to visit Bret on the Figwit Lives documentary trip (Figwit Lives is a website dedicated to the elf, Figwit) said that Bret told them which Elf Justin played. While they were looking for names to give Justin's elf, I was fortunate enough to put my two cents just in time.

One person (who runs the Argonath site (a site for nameless elves and other great LOTR stuff) said that, "Well, I put Justin's name through the Barrowdowns Name generator and that makes his Elven name Aratwath. What do you guys and girls think of that name? Shall we give him that name?"

So then I went even further and said, "Actually, from this site:
http://www.geocities.com/the_realm_of_the_lady/morenames6.html
It says: JUSTIN comes from a Latin name which means 'just' as in 'fairminded'. In Quenya this is 'faila', so when masculinized you name is Failon. '(the)Just one'. In Sindarin you name is Faelon, from 'fael' - 'just, having good fëa'. What do you think?"

So then the Figwit Lives associating person said, "I rather like the sound of Failon/Faelon. Goes nicely with Figwit."

Henceforth, they decided to with Faelon. So basically, I named an Elf! Sure, I didn't come up with the name. The chick that did all that research did, but I happened to find the name 'Justin' on there, and though I didn't invent it, I DID name HIM, before they dared name him Aratwath. This is so great! Bret McKenzie's brother, of all people! WHOO-HOO! *dies again* I tell you, I'm getting closer every day! Conquest shall be mine!!! *runs off, laughing maniacally*

Figwit's Brother in LOTR!

I FINALLY found out who Figwit's brother is!!!

Er...Well... Bret McKenzie's brother. FINALLY, I can put it up on my site.
Bret's younger brother Justin McKenzie was on LOTR as an Elf, too. I just never knew who it was until now. It was so obvious. DUH! I should have realized.

Justin plays the Elf that sits on the right-hand side of Elrond in the Council of Elrond scene. Here's Bret and his brother Justin in side-by-side pics. It was so obvious and I didn't realize it until I was told... sheesh! So good to have the mystery solved! I know it probably doesn't mean much to ordinary people, but to a fangirl, this is amazing!  X-D

Goals! (Now That I Own the One Ring!)

Dude... I'm gettin' a Dell.

Yay! So it looks like I'll be getting yet another new computer. This time, it's brand new, with 40 GB of storage space instead of the lousy 10 that this one has. It'll have Winows XP, DVD player, CD burner, all that good stuff that I love to have on my computer.

I also got some soy milk today while I was at the store. I've been wanting to try this. I got the Silk brand, both regular and chocolate flavors.

I like the chocolate very much! It reminds me of regular chocolate milk, only not as heavy... not as creamy, I guess? And it has a freshness to it. I guess because of the plant??? I don't like the regular so much. The flavor reminds me of something with wheat or oats, like oatmeal or frosted shredded wheat. I just wanted to try these because I really want to get heavy into this vegan thing.

I FINALLY got one of my LOTR rings from ebay! It's heavy, and it hasn't broke my finger out yet in itchy bumps (since I'm allergic to nickel) or turned it green, so I figure it must not be any kind of cheap metal. It didn't say in the listing what it's made out of, or if it's hypoallergenic or not. I won it for about $15, so it's all good. I have another one just like it coming soon that comes with a display base that lights up, and the chain that goes with it. This one is just to wear.
*strokes it feverishly* my preciousss... World domination shall be mine!

I've been thinking lately... I really should start writing all my buds again. I never wrote some of them back when I should have, like Aunt Beast and Kame... Kame, if you see this, I'm sorry about that. I might actually get into a writing mood again and send you a letter some time. Star had sent me about five letters since I last wrote her. Man, I'm such a procrastinator...

Got a new microphone for my computer, so that's good. If I ever can gain some 'right time', then I might actually be able to work on my music. If only I could buy time with money... There's never enough time, but I sure spend a lot of time trying to make that money...

No Rest for the Wicked

I feel dead... I'm so exhausted... I feel like I haven't slept decently in years... I don't know why, but I just don't seem to be getting any rest when I sleep. I am without rest. I am restless!

To whatever powers that be, please let this next week go well. Please let there be no more depression, good sales at work, no cranky spying customers who just want to get me into trouble because they have nothing better to do with their sorry lives, and no hard and strenuous work...

Please let me have a night where there's no phone ringing, no banging on the walls, no one to wake me, no bad dreams that make me wake up crying, no backache from sleeping too long, no punching or scratching myself in my sleep (it has been known to happen), no full bladder that gets gets mad and wakes me because it hasn't been emptied, and lastly, please, PLEASE let me have sweet dreams full of Figwit.

I just want to rest. Please... Sweet, peaceful, rejuvenating rest...

Cowabunga! A Blast from the Past!

Totally tubular! I just got downloads of the WHOLE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Coming Out of Their Shells Tour songs! I decided today that by some wild hair, that I would look them up. Lo' and behold, there they were on some dude's old website, just waiting for me to right click and save them all. Radical!!!

Why am I so excited about some weird songs sang by The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Because they are a part of my childhood! Time makes you lose so much, both physical and spiritual. And when I was little, we didn't have digital music ready at our fingertips. So when I get to recover and relive the things that made big impacts in my childhood, I get all happy and feel like I'm getting a piece of myself back that I had lost along the way. There's something about getting your childhood back that makes you feel... I don't know how to describe it, really. It's like a spiritual mending. I just cannot tell you guys in words how ecstatic I am right now!

So I know webpages get deleted over time, videos get taken down, and and links disappear, but I'll post these here in case anyone is interested. Here's the video in it's entirety, a Wikipedia link, and a the album on iTunes! X-D

https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/Coming_Out_of_Their_Shells

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/coming-out-of-our-shells/903215807

When Dreams Begin to Fade

I bought the Jekyll and Hyde DVD yesterday. (The one with David Hasselhoff.)

I like the original cast recording better, but at least with the DVD, I can see how the scenes are played out. As for the music quality? Ugh... *cringes* You have one woman who sings through her nose, and the other doesn't know that you're NOT supposed to overly pronounce the "r" in your singing.
Example: Beautiful Lucy character on the CD says: "I feel your fingers cold on my shoulder."
Stupid Lucy character on DVD says: "I feel youRRR fingeRRRs cold on my shouldeRRR."
It sounds harsh, but it honestly makes me want to barf.

Yes, I can admit that I truly believe I sing better than this woman. It boosted my ego to know that maybe I'd have a smidgen of a chance after all to one day be a Broadway star... So tonight at work, I was singing some of the songs from the musical, since I would LOVE to play Lucy's part the way it was meant to be played. Of course, I can't see when people are close to the kitchen, so a few people heard me and complimented me. Even more of an ego booster, right?

They asked if I do it for a profession, and why haven't I gone to college with it. I tell them the story about not having dropped out of school and not having a GED and all that... But I've always, ALWAYS wanted to be famous, especially on Broadway. (And by saying Broadway, I don't just mean that place specifically, I mean anywhere with a stage, a performance, and a live audience to act and sing for. It could be a small town concert for all I care, as long as I could live my dream of performing for everybody.)

Anyway., for some reason, this all makes me very sad. I guess I just fear that my dreams and hopes will never become a reality. Maybe I'm just worried about time... I have to get my license (I only have a permit so far) and then my GED, and even then, I have my job to think about. It's an excellent job... I don't want to lose it... I guess I just fear that I'll wait too long, and then when I finally have the chance, I'll be past my prime, or I won't be able to sing the same anymore. Maybe it's just not my fate...

Still, I would like to get a new microphone for my computer and work on my music. I just wish I had some time alone, or at least a soundproof room to work in. I feel like I'll never get any kind of demo CD made living in this situation with people living on either side of me, and there's not much I can do to change it at the moment. Ah, well... If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, well then I can't say I didn't expect it to happen... :-/

current mood:  crushed

I'm Going to Live With the Elves! (Dream)

I made a really nasty entry last night concerning family members and their gambling problems, but for the sake of keeping the peace in the house, I've decided to keep it private. As the Flight of the Conchords would say - 'Many spies have many eyes'. You know, they say freedom of speech is a thing, but I guess that doesn't count when you still live with your parents :-p

Anyway, I wanted to write down my dream. For some odd reason, we were all being evicted from our homes. My brother and his girlfriend lived with us, too, and in my dream, she was pregnant again. In real life, she had her baby about a month ago. When they started to pack and leave, my mom went with them, all of us traveling by foot, and I was going to follow behind with all our belongings, meeting up with them later on.

We were invited to live with the Elves in the Lorien woods. When I arrived, some very kind Elves said that they would take our things, and told me to that they had a gown I could wear since everyone was in the middle of a welcoming feast. As anyone should know, Elves love feasts and reasons to make a celebration. I strolled in and found my mom, brother, and his girlfriend all dressed up in garb of the same make.

We talked about things I could not remember, and then I decided to sit at the fountain and look around for my friend Stephanie. (The fountain was in the center of the room, and the room was actually the base of a great Mallorn tree, as you well know that the Lorien Elves live in their golden/silver trees.) When I finally asked and Elf if they knew where she was, suddenly, my dream looked as if it were zooming out. I saw the great forest from afar, and a handful of trees over, and waaaaaaaaay up near the top, the dream zoomed back in to focus on my friend Steph.

She was in a nest-like area, in between the top-most branches, but it was not made of straw. It was made of fabrics and flowers, and such sweet scents. To my surprise, she was making out with some Elf guy. (In my dream, I knew that it was her new boyfriend that she has in real life.) Well, that answered my question! lol! I knew where Steph was. Then someone came and interrupted them, and from this I woke, since my back was aching from sleeping too long.

current mood:  amused