Gooey Butter Cake

Dear Tahnee,

     I had a moment today...

Some days are so hard on me. You'll be all that I can think about. I think about how it's not fair that you were taken so young. It's not fair how you didn't get to follow your dreams and have your winery and children of your own. It's not fair that James has to be without his wife, the one who was probably the most perfect person for him. It's not fair that your parents had to lose their youngest child when you so often worried about losing them first.

I think about how I can't go to you any more when I'm feeling blue or I want to share something that I think only you would appreciate. How you're no longer there to help me feel better and brush it off when Adam and I are arguing. How you won't be around to give me the confidence that you always gave me when I didn't think I was good enough or worthy enough. To give me facts and logical suggestions when I start going off on another one of my crazy ideas, and how to make it happen.

     But some days I can manage...

Today was one of those days. I was doing good for the most part until we went out to eat tonight and Adam was in a mood. 15 West - the fancy restaurant me and Tricity like to treat ourselves to, was no longer serving his preferred dish, so he threw a fit by protesting to eat. So as I usually do, I tried to lighten the mood by trying to make him laugh. But he wouldn't laugh...

It made me think about you and how I loved the feeling I got when I was able to make you laugh. Sometimes because I would try on purpose, but most often by mistake. But it was always a great feeling, making you laugh. But he never laughs... It made me miss you even more than before.

It was at that moment when Tricity got a cold chill and she shivered. I hadn't thought anything about it until after we were done and we were about to leave. We were just waiting on the waitress to bring us our check. Then I decided to look over at the desert menu to see what kind of "house made" deserts they had. That's when I saw it...

"Gooey Butter Cake". Instantly I thought about you and the story you told me about Magen and how she messed up the gooey butter cake one night and didn't remember it the next day. I had never even heard of gooey butter cake until you told me about it. Hell, I still don't even know what it is! But I know the name of it, and when I saw that...

Then Tricity gasped. Before I could fully understand the reason why, she explained about how I was just talking about you and we were missing you. Then she got a cold chill, and then I saw that sign. People say when a spirit is around you, the temperature drops. I know you never believed in spirits other than rum, vodka, and tequila, but I always watched Ghost Adventures, and I believe that is why Tricity got the cold chill. I know you were there.

And even now as I write this, I am convinced now more than ever that everything happens for a reason, even though we never know why that reason may be until it happens. My mind is blown, thinking about how there was a reason why Magen tried making that cake, and why she couldn't remember it the next day. It was so that you could tell me the story, and I could relate to this happening after your passing, so that I would know you're with me, because you know how I am always questioning if what I think is happening is really what is true or not.

I miss you, I love you, and I know you miss me and love me too. ♥

So here's just a few photos from tonight. Here is Tricity's pizza, and Adam with his tea, and my food. I started out with this crab and spinach bisque that I love so much. (I WILL find out how to make this at home and I will make a bunch and freeze it until it's ready to be eaten! lol) And then I got chicken parmesan with penne noodles. It was pretty good! And even though Adam was pouty, I gave him some of my chicken and he had a piece of Tricity's pizza :-p And then of course I had to take a picture of the "Gooey Butter Cake" sign.

 

Performance Anxiety

Wow, I haven't felt this way in a looooong time! Not since high school, that I can remember! When I would perform Fiddler on the Roof, or sing the national anthem before the football games. Over the years, I'd usually try to push the feelings down when I'd start feeling this way, but I'm feeling anxious and excited at the same time. I've had panic attacks a few times as well, but they don't feel the same as this.

Why am I feeling this way? Because I recently decided to take a chance and signed up for the 80's Lip Sync Battle for this year's Mayfest. It says, "You will perform 1 of 10 randomly selected songs. The song list will be provided no later than 3 days before the event. There will be 3 face-off rounds to determine the winner. Be familiar with these songs and all decked out to increase your chance to become the FINAL WINNER! NOTE: The judging for this event will be done by crowd appeal. Be ready to know all the songs, to put enthusiasm into your performance and to woo the crowd with your style. Most of all have some fun!"

So now I'm brushing up on my 80's music  LOL  And I've already picked out what I'm going to wear. I went out and bought a couple of neon shirts (all they had was orange or yellow) so I can make my outfit. I'm going to cut one to make an off-the-shoulder shirt with fringe on the bottom, and the other I will make into leg warmers. I'm going to crimp my hair and make some chunky neon jewelry to wear as well.

I don't know if there is a prize or not, but it doesn't matter because I'm doing this for the fun of it. I figured it would be a great memory for Tricity of her Mother, and it would be something nice to leave everyone to remember me by. It would be nice if I could win though. I'm just nervous to see if I'm one of the 12 people who get to do it. Just because I signed up for it doesn't mean I'm going to get picked... And then I'm nervous to see what songs we'll be doing. I'm hoping I know most of them. And then I'm nervous because I don't know who I'll be going up against. There's some pretty good performers in this town. And lastly, I'm nervous because I have a bad back, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to put as much energy into the performance as I imagine I will in my head, since I can't stand for too long.

I'm hoping I can get enough friends and family out to cheer for me since how loud the audience cheers will judge who moves onto the next round. I'm also hoping I can get someone to record it. Anyway, wish me luck!

I'm So Excited, I Wet My Plants!

Spring is definitely here now. The weather has been between the 60's and 70's and it almost even reached 80 degrees at some point. That's Fahrenheit of course, as I know the rest of the world uses Celsius.

Anyway, whenever Adam goes to the store, I usually ask him to bring me back home a surprise. Sometimes he brings candy, sometimes it's stuffed animals, and sometimes it's plants. He got me a cactus not too long ago (I've never had a cactus before!) and here recently, he has gotten me some kind of flowering succulent, I think it is? I'm not sure what it is, but it's cute, and I'm happy to have it.

I recently also purchased a couple of grow lights from Wish. These are LED lights in blue and red, which are said to be the colors that plants love to absorb to help them grow. So what I did was rig up one of the lights on my desk, I repotted my plants, and have them sitting under the grow light now.

As you can see, I also tried to take some cactus cuttings (they were actually broken off when Adam accidentally knocked it over one time, and again from when I accidentally knocked it over as well) and I planted them. I hope they'll grow! I really don't know how cactus plants work, and I have a brown-thumb when it comes to gardening, but I'm hopeful  :-p  Wish me luck! lol

My Ancestry DNA Results

WOW!!! I got my Ancestry DNA results in. No French?! I always thought I had some French :-p With one of my Grandmothers having the last name of DeRousse, I would have thought it would be prominent. This is really interesting though.

The Spanish surprised me! I hadn't found any in my family tree research yet, so I didn't expect to see that there. How did that happen? lol The Swedish, I kind of knew from research, and the European and Irish/Scottish I had a feeling I would get, based on Tricity's DNA results.

I Cooked For My Brother and His Kids for the First Time!

I'll start off by saying - my brother and I have went through a rough patch in our lives where we didn't really get along well. He had made some bad life choices and I didn't forgive him for it. But over the past year, I can see that he's really been trying to get his life back on track, and it has been bringing us closer together.

Well... everything happens for a reason, and it happened to be that I recently got my schedule at work lowered to have less hours, so now I get off work before Tricity comes home from school. And recently, he needed someone to watch the kids until he got off work because my Mom would have watched them, but she deserved a break, so I said I'd watch them after school for this week.

He told me he would be getting back late one of the nights, so I went ahead and cooked them dinner. It wasn't anything special. Just a skillet meal (cheeseburger macaroni), potatoes, and beans. But they liked it! The little ones scarfed it down and ate until they were full. It was really nice to know they liked my food!

Of course I had to ask, "Who cooks better, me or Grandma?" just so that I could see their faces freeze up as they tried to think of an answer. It was so cute and funny. I told them, "Well your Grandma is who taught me how to cook, so I'd HOPE that you would have a hard time deciding!" lol My Mom was a great cook when I was growing up. I guess my cooking is a mix between my Mom and Adam, since I learned some things from him, too.

It was really nice though. It was nice to cook dinner for my brother for once, after he came home from a hard day's work, and to have the family together like that. I always wanted a big family like he has, but we were never able to have more kids. Sad to say, when they were little, I was so resentful that I couldn't have any more, while their mother (who shouldn't have been having kids that she didn't want to take care of) kept popping them out like a factory, so I didn't bond with them as much as I should have... But now that they are older, I've been trying to be a better person and be closer to them. I am their only Aunt, after all. And their Uncle Adam is their only uncle. Anyway, It was a really nice evening :-)

I Broke My iPhone

So I have an iPhone SE, and I carry my phone with me everywhere... and sometimes, when I'm moving around or walking, my arms might go a little crazy. Nothing too crazy, but nothing really snazzy either. And sometimes my hand becomes a little lose on it's grip, and my phone will go flying out across the room, right?

Well it has happened a few times before, and my phone was just peachy afterwards. It only ever got a small tiny little crack at the corner of the screen. Nothing too big to worry about. It's down on the bottom-right side where it's not even interfering with the picture.

Well today I happened to accidentally throw it again, but this time, it must have messed something up on the inside because now I can't really swipe or press anything on the screen very well. It only works maybe 1 out of 20 attempts... So I looked online for a solution, and it told me I could either try bending the phone to get it to work a little, or take it apart...

I don't have the tools to take apart my iphone, and I don't plan on buying any. I don't have any screwdrivers that are that small with a star shape, and even if I did, I'd probably mess it up and break it worse anyway. But bending it worked, for the most part. It's not a permanent fix, so I still have to struggle with it, but it'll do for now.

I even tried switching my phone number over to an older phone until I can buy a new one, but the phone I had must be so old that it's no longer supported. It wouldn't allow me to do it. It sucks though because this phone was doing so good! And it only had that one little crack on the screen. Ah well... It had a good run... And maybe I can upgrade now?

RIP

I Got Those Pictures

In my last post, I had wrote a message to my brother for his 40th birthday, and I had said at the end of the post that I hoped to get a picture with him, since we hadn't taken a picture together in a long time. Well... I got those pictures! ♥ Here we are at my Mom's house tonight for his birthday dinner.

Happy 40th Birthday to My Brother!

Happy Birthday to my brother Tommy! Wow, 40 years old... We've been lucky to make it this far! We've been through a lot, you and I. We've survived a couple of car crashes together, we've survived trees falling on the house, and though we've been as different as night and day, you've always been my bubby, and I'll always be your sissy. I may not always like your life choices, but deep down I'll always love you.

Not everyone gets to know what it's like to have a big brother. It's nice to feel that protection as you're growing up. I was the kind of kid who felt like if anyone hurt me, I could get my brother to go beat them up, even though you never had to. I remember always wanting to tag along with you. I'd always want to play with your toys, and I'm pretty sure that had to get annoying for you. But that's what little sisters do.

Sadly, when I got old enough to start school, I remember seeing you at recess. I thought it was really cool to be going to school with my big brother, but when I called you bubby in front of your friends, you seemed to get offended and got mad at me. Now that I'm older, I realized I had embarrassed you. I guess I had always thought of you being a big strong protector, and I didn't realize until that day that you had a sensitive side. I apologize for embarrassing you, but I hope you realize now that it was just me looking up to my brother with pride and great affection.

But being older was not always easy, I'm sure. It meant you were usually the first to make mistakes. But because of that, I was able to learn from your mistakes and become a better person. And I guess that's why I had always felt a sort of sibling rivalry with you. I always tried to be better because I didn't want to make the same mistakes that you did. But I hope you don't resent it. Instead, I hope you can see and understand how you've helped me by making me want to be better and make better choices, and to do better than I could have done without you.

Even now, I hope you understand how much I admire you. You've brought 5 beautiful children into this world. You've had a rough patch, but you're doing what you can to make things better and be there for your kids. And even though you're getting old(er) and your body is breaking down, you're still working hard to do what you can for them. And your sense of humor... I've always loved how you and Mom could come up with witty remarks so easily.

I hope we still have many years together. You getting older means that I'm getting older, and as I get older, I think about how any day could be our last together. I hope I can get a picture of us together again soon, since it has been years since we've done that. And I'm hoping that as time patches up the holes that have drifted us apart over these last few years, that we can be close again. I miss you and love you very much, and I hope that you have a wonderful birthday.

A Boy and His Puppy

A Boy and His Puppy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6noDHBtmdk

Adam bought a new BBQ grill, so we had our first barbecue of the year. You get to see a lot of Castiel here as well. Enjoy!

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