Sometimes I Feel Guilty About Her Passing

I think about my best friend Tahnee so much every day... and as I tend to do, I start overthinking things as well, and I start feeling a little guilty about the way she died. But then I can imagine her telling me to stop blaming myself, and how everything isn't always about me, just as she has done before in the past when I'd start feeling down like this.

It's just that I feel guilty because they said she passed from a blood clot that went to her lungs, and my Mom always warns me about sitting at the computer for too long, because she's worried a blood clot will get ME just like it did to her. And the reason why I feel guilty about that is because of how many hours upon hours we would spend on the computer playing and talking to each other.

I feel like - if I had been on less, maybe she wouldn't have been at her computer as much? I'm the one who got her playing Minecraft on the PC back in 2015, so I feel responsible. If we hadn't always been playing on the computer or spending hours in calls together, would she not have been on as much? Would this have been able to be prevented?

It was just so weird because a couple of months before she died, I had felt an urge to get away from the computer for a while. I quit staying upstairs after work to play any games. I had decided to start coming downstairs and spending more time with Tricity and doing more things around the house that I have been wanting to get done. I was cooking more. I started drinking water. Something in me had wanted to change. And then this happened...

She would probably tell me that it wouldn't have turned out any different, that she would have still been on the computer doing one thing or another. But there's still that feeling of guilt, you know? I feel like - how different would her life had turned out if we had never become friends? I'd never want to give away our friendship, but these kinds of things always go through my head. Where would she be if she hadn't been tied down to me?

I try not to be so down on myself about it, though. I know she wouldn't like that. She was always one for owning up and accepting responsibility and moving on from your mistakes. I sure do miss her though, and I as much as I wish I could change the way things turned out, I know I can't. So I must accept it and move on. And maybe one day I'll stop blaming myself...