I think about my best friend Tahnee so much every day... and as I tend to do, I start overthinking things as well, and I start feeling a little guilty about the way she died. But then I can imagine her telling me to stop blaming myself, and how everything isn't always about me, just as she has done before in the past when I'd start feeling down like this.
It's just that I feel guilty because they said she passed from a blood clot that went to her lungs, and my Mom always warns me about sitting at the computer for too long, because she's worried a blood clot will get ME just like it did to her. And the reason why I feel guilty about that is because of how many hours upon hours we would spend on the computer playing and talking to each other.
I feel like - if I had been on less, maybe she wouldn't have been at her computer as much? I'm the one who got her playing Minecraft on the PC back in 2015, so I feel responsible. If we hadn't always been playing on the computer or spending hours in calls together, would she not have been on as much? Would this have been able to be prevented?
It was just so weird because a couple of months before she died, I had felt an urge to get away from the computer for a while. I quit staying upstairs after work to play any games. I had decided to start coming downstairs and spending more time with Tricity and doing more things around the house that I have been wanting to get done. I was cooking more. I started drinking water. Something in me had wanted to change. And then this happened...
She would probably tell me that it wouldn't have turned out any different, that she would have still been on the computer doing one thing or another. But there's still that feeling of guilt, you know? I feel like - how different would her life had turned out if we had never become friends? I'd never want to give away our friendship, but these kinds of things always go through my head. Where would she be if she hadn't been tied down to me?
I try not to be so down on myself about it, though. I know she wouldn't like that. She was always one for owning up and accepting responsibility and moving on from your mistakes. I sure do miss her though, and I as much as I wish I could change the way things turned out, I know I can't. So I must accept it and move on. And maybe one day I'll stop blaming myself...
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Doomsday Preppers
I started watching this show on Netflix called "Doomsday Preppers". The people on the show talk about themselves as if the whole word thinks they're crazy, but it has always been something I was interested in doing. Maybe now is the time to get started? After all, the number of people who are becoming peppers is on the rise, so that’s got to be telling you something, as animals and even people can sometimes sense when danger is approaching, so they start preparing themselves for whatever might be possible.
The only thing that keeps me from becoming a prepper is is that I don’t want to leave a bunch of canned goods in a particular location because after so long, the food inside starts tasting like metal. And if I canned my own goods, all it would take is one earthquake or a tornado to break them, or the food inside might go bad if the jars are not properly sealed.
I think we all believe the world might come under a great catastrophe in one way or another. For me, I think it's going to be bombs. Everyone always makes a threat about it, so I worry that one of these days, someone is going to make good on that threat and actually set them off, resulting in mass destruction. The only problem with that is that I know nothing about surviving a bomb or radiation :-/ The closest I've come to anything like that is when I play Fallout.
Then there's the part of me that gets really carried away and thinks about a zombie apocalypse. I actually feel like I could survive that for a while, if it were ever real (UNLESS the zombies are like the ones on the movie I Am Legend).
I like the show though. People show you what they've done to prepare and what they've got so far, and then the show grades them on a point system based on food, water, shelter, defense, and xfactor (if they have other unique ideas that can add to your survival score) and then gives them some time to make adjustments and then checks back in on them to see how they've improved.
The only thing that keeps me from becoming a prepper is is that I don’t want to leave a bunch of canned goods in a particular location because after so long, the food inside starts tasting like metal. And if I canned my own goods, all it would take is one earthquake or a tornado to break them, or the food inside might go bad if the jars are not properly sealed.
I think we all believe the world might come under a great catastrophe in one way or another. For me, I think it's going to be bombs. Everyone always makes a threat about it, so I worry that one of these days, someone is going to make good on that threat and actually set them off, resulting in mass destruction. The only problem with that is that I know nothing about surviving a bomb or radiation :-/ The closest I've come to anything like that is when I play Fallout.
Then there's the part of me that gets really carried away and thinks about a zombie apocalypse. I actually feel like I could survive that for a while, if it were ever real (UNLESS the zombies are like the ones on the movie I Am Legend).
I like the show though. People show you what they've done to prepare and what they've got so far, and then the show grades them on a point system based on food, water, shelter, defense, and xfactor (if they have other unique ideas that can add to your survival score) and then gives them some time to make adjustments and then checks back in on them to see how they've improved.
She Looks Like a Doll!
So when I was doing my "photoshoot" yesterday with my new wig and contacts, I decided to do a filter of Tricity while I was playing around on Snapchat. WOW! She looked just like a doll! She has the child face and the beautiful curly golden hair, rosy cheeks, those lips... I'm in love with this photo of her! ♥ ♥ ♥
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Pastel Rainbow Wig and Purple Contacts
I decided to dress up with my pastel-rainbow colored wig (my favorite one so far!) and purple contacts, and add some shimmer and shine. That includes a micro-glitter lip shine, highlighter, and glittery eyeshadow.
I'm the prettiest momma unicorn! And Tricity is my beautiful babycorn :-p
I'm the prettiest momma unicorn! And Tricity is my beautiful babycorn :-p
Monday, March 25, 2019
Lessons I Learned From Tahnee
There are many lessons I learned from my best friend throughout the years. She always had clever things to say or really logical ideas that have profoundly resonated with me, and I'd like to share them with you.
The first main thing she had taught me was:
Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
This means to expect that not everything is going to go smoothly, and prepare for anything that might happen. But even if you expect that things will go wrong, keep your chin up and hope that it'll all work out and turn out for the best. For example, when I start work for the day, I don't clock in expecting the day to be perfect. I know the chances of that happening are slim. I expect there to be conflicts and problems that need to be resolved, but I still hope that it'll be a nice day. But at least I'm prepared to handle it if terrible things happen.
Then she taught me:
It's better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
This was a little devious, but it has helped give me courage to do a few things that I didn't think I would be allowed to do, because I feared that if I asked, I would be told no. But sometimes you just have to do it, and not worry about if you're allowed to or not. Then if someone gets onto you, you could always say - whoops! I didn't know. Forgive me? That way, you're not asking first and being told no before you even get the chance to try.
One of the weird things she taught me was:
Sometimes the best ideas are thought of in the bathroom.
When we used to write together, she used to come up with some amazing storylines. Then she told me her secret. She came up with them in the bathroom. She said that sometimes, when you're left to peace and quiet and alone with your own thoughts, with nothing else to distract you while you did your business, or took a shower, then it gave your brain some time to think on it's own and come up with ideas. And she was right! I noticed that when I'm in the shower, sometimes my brain will go into overdrive, and I'll come up with some of my best ideas.
And then another key thing she had unknowingly taught me is that:
You don't have to be lovers to be soulmates.
I don't think there was anyone more perfect to share my life with. She was the one. I loved her very deeply, and I know she loved me too, but we weren't lovers in a sexual way. (I may like boobs, but I don't like vaginas.) We were intimate, but not physically. I think she's the only person in the world who knew everything about me. And I miss her so much...
The first main thing she had taught me was:
Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
This means to expect that not everything is going to go smoothly, and prepare for anything that might happen. But even if you expect that things will go wrong, keep your chin up and hope that it'll all work out and turn out for the best. For example, when I start work for the day, I don't clock in expecting the day to be perfect. I know the chances of that happening are slim. I expect there to be conflicts and problems that need to be resolved, but I still hope that it'll be a nice day. But at least I'm prepared to handle it if terrible things happen.
Then she taught me:
It's better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
This was a little devious, but it has helped give me courage to do a few things that I didn't think I would be allowed to do, because I feared that if I asked, I would be told no. But sometimes you just have to do it, and not worry about if you're allowed to or not. Then if someone gets onto you, you could always say - whoops! I didn't know. Forgive me? That way, you're not asking first and being told no before you even get the chance to try.
One of the weird things she taught me was:
Sometimes the best ideas are thought of in the bathroom.
When we used to write together, she used to come up with some amazing storylines. Then she told me her secret. She came up with them in the bathroom. She said that sometimes, when you're left to peace and quiet and alone with your own thoughts, with nothing else to distract you while you did your business, or took a shower, then it gave your brain some time to think on it's own and come up with ideas. And she was right! I noticed that when I'm in the shower, sometimes my brain will go into overdrive, and I'll come up with some of my best ideas.
And then another key thing she had unknowingly taught me is that:
You don't have to be lovers to be soulmates.
I don't think there was anyone more perfect to share my life with. She was the one. I loved her very deeply, and I know she loved me too, but we weren't lovers in a sexual way. (I may like boobs, but I don't like vaginas.) We were intimate, but not physically. I think she's the only person in the world who knew everything about me. And I miss her so much...
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Our New Vlog Intro
In case you guys hadn't seen it yet, we have a new video intro for the vlogs! Enjoy ♥
Please subscribe, comment, and thumbs up! :-)
Check out our other family vlogs here!
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Saturday, March 23, 2019
Burial for Tahnee
The memorial services for Tahnee was last weekend. This weekend was the burial. Once again, everything was so beautiful and lovely. So many flowers, and her headstone was lovely. I think she would have been pleased. I could just imagine her standing behind it looking back at me, saying my name in a sing-songy way, trying to get me to smile and telling me that she loves me.
The day started off sunny as we hit the road. But as we got closer, and during the service, it became overcast. It's like because we were sad, the sky reflected our mood by covering up the sun, making it more gloomy. And it was like Tahnee was watching out for me because she knows I have skin that burns easily, so she wanted to make sure that I didn't get sunburnt while standing there during the service. At least, that's how I'd like to think about it. And then on the way back home, the sun came back out again.
At first we drove to the Shiloh cemetery, but I didn't think about it when I looked up the directions. They had said it was at the old Shiloh church and not at the new cemetery, so I called her sister and she sent someone out to come get us and show us the way there. It's probably a good thing that someone showed us the way, because it was pretty well out of town with a lot of small roads, and we probably would have gotten lost.
They also had a bagpipe player, who was an elderly gentleman, and I'm not sure if he kept squonking on accident, or if as Adam said, maybe there wasn't a good seal on the bagpipes? But he kept honking during the performance. After he was finished, he marched off, still playing as the sound grew quieter and quieter, and the song was dying out. Literally! It no longer became a song. It was a tangled mess of squeaks and squonks. We couldn't help but to start snicker and laughing, thinking of how Tahnee would have been laughing pretty hard at that. She and I always laughed at those awkward moments. Even after it was all said and done, he kept trying to get it right.
When her sister Magen started pouring her ashes into the ground, that's pretty much when I lost it. I felt like - there she was. That's what it was all summed up to. The last of her Earthly being, put back into the ground. Her physical presence is gone, but her spirit shall live on in all of us. But I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm still not. I still feel like I'm waiting on her to get online so we can pick right back up where we left off.
We went out to eat at Park-Et afterwards, and all I could think about was how I'm still here and she's not. It doesn't seem right. I'm not going to say it wasn't fair, because I certainly don't want to be in her place. I can't imagine what that would do to Tricity... Not fair is when my Grandpa had several heart attacks and is still alive, but all it took was one heart attack to take my Grandma away from me. It sounds harsh, but this is how I still feel about that situation. With Tahnee, it just feels weird, like when she left, she took a part of me with her, like I've got one foot in the ground and the rest of me here. And I wonder if I'm always going to feel this way?
Her parents had both thanked me for being a good friend and bringing her happiness through all these years, but I still feel like we should have had at least 20 more years together. Hearing that meant so much to me though, because it made me feel like not only were were we as close as we thought we were, but it was evident to everyone else as well. Like it wasn't just something we perceived, but it was validated. I even listed as my partner on Facebook pretty much ever since she got a Facebook account. When I did it, it gave her a good laugh, so she left it that way lol
Some of us threw dirt onto the ashes once she was laid to rest. Me and Tricity did. I must have kept that dirt under my nails for several hours after that. I didn't want to wash it off my hand... I was wanting to stay with her as long as possible. I could have sat there for hours, but we didn't know how to get out of there, so we followed her sister back to town.
Anyway, I'm glad we had some funny memories to look back on for this day, with the bagpipe player. I'm sure she had something to do with it. I know it. She was always trying to make me happy, and that was exactly the kind of thing she would have done. I'd like to think she's looking out for me. Still soul mates even now. ♥
The day started off sunny as we hit the road. But as we got closer, and during the service, it became overcast. It's like because we were sad, the sky reflected our mood by covering up the sun, making it more gloomy. And it was like Tahnee was watching out for me because she knows I have skin that burns easily, so she wanted to make sure that I didn't get sunburnt while standing there during the service. At least, that's how I'd like to think about it. And then on the way back home, the sun came back out again.
At first we drove to the Shiloh cemetery, but I didn't think about it when I looked up the directions. They had said it was at the old Shiloh church and not at the new cemetery, so I called her sister and she sent someone out to come get us and show us the way there. It's probably a good thing that someone showed us the way, because it was pretty well out of town with a lot of small roads, and we probably would have gotten lost.
They also had a bagpipe player, who was an elderly gentleman, and I'm not sure if he kept squonking on accident, or if as Adam said, maybe there wasn't a good seal on the bagpipes? But he kept honking during the performance. After he was finished, he marched off, still playing as the sound grew quieter and quieter, and the song was dying out. Literally! It no longer became a song. It was a tangled mess of squeaks and squonks. We couldn't help but to start snicker and laughing, thinking of how Tahnee would have been laughing pretty hard at that. She and I always laughed at those awkward moments. Even after it was all said and done, he kept trying to get it right.
When her sister Magen started pouring her ashes into the ground, that's pretty much when I lost it. I felt like - there she was. That's what it was all summed up to. The last of her Earthly being, put back into the ground. Her physical presence is gone, but her spirit shall live on in all of us. But I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm still not. I still feel like I'm waiting on her to get online so we can pick right back up where we left off.
We went out to eat at Park-Et afterwards, and all I could think about was how I'm still here and she's not. It doesn't seem right. I'm not going to say it wasn't fair, because I certainly don't want to be in her place. I can't imagine what that would do to Tricity... Not fair is when my Grandpa had several heart attacks and is still alive, but all it took was one heart attack to take my Grandma away from me. It sounds harsh, but this is how I still feel about that situation. With Tahnee, it just feels weird, like when she left, she took a part of me with her, like I've got one foot in the ground and the rest of me here. And I wonder if I'm always going to feel this way?
Her parents had both thanked me for being a good friend and bringing her happiness through all these years, but I still feel like we should have had at least 20 more years together. Hearing that meant so much to me though, because it made me feel like not only were were we as close as we thought we were, but it was evident to everyone else as well. Like it wasn't just something we perceived, but it was validated. I even listed as my partner on Facebook pretty much ever since she got a Facebook account. When I did it, it gave her a good laugh, so she left it that way lol
Some of us threw dirt onto the ashes once she was laid to rest. Me and Tricity did. I must have kept that dirt under my nails for several hours after that. I didn't want to wash it off my hand... I was wanting to stay with her as long as possible. I could have sat there for hours, but we didn't know how to get out of there, so we followed her sister back to town.
Anyway, I'm glad we had some funny memories to look back on for this day, with the bagpipe player. I'm sure she had something to do with it. I know it. She was always trying to make me happy, and that was exactly the kind of thing she would have done. I'd like to think she's looking out for me. Still soul mates even now. ♥
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Tricity's Ancestry DNA Results
Wow, so we got the results back for Tricity's ancestry DNA test, and I totally thought she would have had more than that in her! But I guess it shows that even if your ancestors are French or German, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will have that in you. Here's her results:
And that's it! So plain and simple. What I wonder though, is can she claim to say she is a quarter Irish and Scottish, and three quarters British because of these results? Even though many generations lived here in the USA and she's an American by nationality? I mean it's right there in her DNA, so I would imagine so, right?
I sent off my test today. I'm so excited and I can't wait to see how my results come back!
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
We're Giving Up Caffeine
So because of what happened with Tahnee's passing, it really shook me up. Apparently what had caused her death was a blood clot that traveled to her lungs, which caused her to go limp and stop breathing. The blood clot was most likely formed due to sitting at the computer all the time. She had a job working on her computer, and then when she was off work, we would play online all the time and talk to each other on the computer.
And this scares the hell out of me because I'm always at the computer as well. I work and play at the computer too, so we're not really that different. In fact, I think I was sitting and using the computer more than she was, because when she would go to bed, I would still be up a few more hours. It has only been the past couple of months that I haven't been on as much because I wanted to spend more time with Tricity, so I wasn't getting on after work.
So I'm shook, right? Every time I sit down at my computer and do my job, I now wonder if it's like a ticking time bomb. It scares the hell out of me, but this is pretty much the only job I can do at the moment. I can't drive, I can't stand for too long, that rules out a lot of normal jobs, so working from home is what I am able to do to help provide for the family.
I looked up what causes blood clots, and most of the stuff was easy to rule out. I quit drinking, I don't smoke, I've been taking a small dose of "Bayer" at night to help thin my blood. I'm not using the computer as much, and one of the biggest changes was giving up caffeine. I'm a big soda drinker and recently started drinking coffee, so now I'm cutting those out and drinking water. We all are. Me, Tricity, and Adam are giving up caffeine and the only time we'll have soda is if we're going out to eat. But no more soda in the house!
So after we got back home from the memorial service, we went straight to the store and bought some water bottles. Adam already had one. He actually gave up soda some time ago because he was getting really bad kidney stones. Tricity got a bottle, and I actually got two. I have one to keep by the bed because my mouth gets so dry at night sometimes, and then I have one for work, which stays in the freezer because it has gel in the sides of the bottle that keep it cold for a while.
This one is my favorite though. This is the one I keep by the bed, and it works amazingly well! I can put ice water in it around 9:00 at night, and after I drink all of the water, the ice will still be in it the next night. It's insulated, so it doesn't feel very cold on the outside, but the inside stays nice and icy cold. I want to get one more to replace the gel bottle that doesn't work as well as you would have thought... And this one is way more beautiful, too!
I want us to eventually try to cut out sugar, salt, and white flour too. I've heard several times throughout the years that if it's white, not to use it (unless it's like an onion or something lol) And I also want us to do more activities. A good walk in the evening after dinner would be nice to do, like if the three of us took the dog for a walk together or something. Or going swimming more. I always love swimming.
And I want to cook whatever I want to cook, whether they eat it or not, because what I want to cook is with fresh vegetables and they aren't really vegetable eaters. But hopefully I'll make it delicious enough where I can change their minds and they will want to eat healthier too? *crosses fingers*
But for now, switching to water is a huge step in itself, so we're going to try and take it one step at a time. I just know that her passing really hit home for me, and I'm not ready to go yet. And I don't want anything to happen to my family either, so something HAS to change.
And this scares the hell out of me because I'm always at the computer as well. I work and play at the computer too, so we're not really that different. In fact, I think I was sitting and using the computer more than she was, because when she would go to bed, I would still be up a few more hours. It has only been the past couple of months that I haven't been on as much because I wanted to spend more time with Tricity, so I wasn't getting on after work.
So I'm shook, right? Every time I sit down at my computer and do my job, I now wonder if it's like a ticking time bomb. It scares the hell out of me, but this is pretty much the only job I can do at the moment. I can't drive, I can't stand for too long, that rules out a lot of normal jobs, so working from home is what I am able to do to help provide for the family.
I looked up what causes blood clots, and most of the stuff was easy to rule out. I quit drinking, I don't smoke, I've been taking a small dose of "Bayer" at night to help thin my blood. I'm not using the computer as much, and one of the biggest changes was giving up caffeine. I'm a big soda drinker and recently started drinking coffee, so now I'm cutting those out and drinking water. We all are. Me, Tricity, and Adam are giving up caffeine and the only time we'll have soda is if we're going out to eat. But no more soda in the house!
So after we got back home from the memorial service, we went straight to the store and bought some water bottles. Adam already had one. He actually gave up soda some time ago because he was getting really bad kidney stones. Tricity got a bottle, and I actually got two. I have one to keep by the bed because my mouth gets so dry at night sometimes, and then I have one for work, which stays in the freezer because it has gel in the sides of the bottle that keep it cold for a while.
This one is my favorite though. This is the one I keep by the bed, and it works amazingly well! I can put ice water in it around 9:00 at night, and after I drink all of the water, the ice will still be in it the next night. It's insulated, so it doesn't feel very cold on the outside, but the inside stays nice and icy cold. I want to get one more to replace the gel bottle that doesn't work as well as you would have thought... And this one is way more beautiful, too!
I want us to eventually try to cut out sugar, salt, and white flour too. I've heard several times throughout the years that if it's white, not to use it (unless it's like an onion or something lol) And I also want us to do more activities. A good walk in the evening after dinner would be nice to do, like if the three of us took the dog for a walk together or something. Or going swimming more. I always love swimming.
And I want to cook whatever I want to cook, whether they eat it or not, because what I want to cook is with fresh vegetables and they aren't really vegetable eaters. But hopefully I'll make it delicious enough where I can change their minds and they will want to eat healthier too? *crosses fingers*
But for now, switching to water is a huge step in itself, so we're going to try and take it one step at a time. I just know that her passing really hit home for me, and I'm not ready to go yet. And I don't want anything to happen to my family either, so something HAS to change.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Seeings Signs of Her Everywhere
I know I'm bound to see signs of Tahnee everywhere since we were so close. There's not much we didn't share or have in common, so I'm going to notice a lot of things that remind me of her. Every time I see a star, or hear her favorite songs or watch her favorite movies, when I say something she used to say all the time like "herro" instead of "hello", or when the color purple stands out to me... She's everywhere.
But then there's this. This gave me the chills. I opened up a fortune cookie today that was left over from the Chinese delivery we had ordered to our room during our stay at the hotel over this past weekened of her memorial service, and this is the message I got:
Sometimes I feel like I can hear her reply to something I'll say or do in my mind. I don't literally hear her, but I can just imagine her voice and what she would say, and how she would say it. Or I'll hear her laugh, or do what I called the "guinea pig" sound when she used to get tired. I was just so used to hearing her all the time that I have her voice imprinted on my mind...
But then there's this. This gave me the chills. I opened up a fortune cookie today that was left over from the Chinese delivery we had ordered to our room during our stay at the hotel over this past weekened of her memorial service, and this is the message I got:
It says "Soon someone new coming into your life will be a best friend." I just lost my best friend, and then I get a fortune cookie with that message? It's like she's trying to fill the gap and help me feel better. Or else she just wants to freak me out. But if that's not a sign, I don't know what is! lol
Sometimes I feel like I can hear her reply to something I'll say or do in my mind. I don't literally hear her, but I can just imagine her voice and what she would say, and how she would say it. Or I'll hear her laugh, or do what I called the "guinea pig" sound when she used to get tired. I was just so used to hearing her all the time that I have her voice imprinted on my mind...
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